DESTROYER OF SPIDER-WORLD

I spent the weekend destroying stuff. A shed to be exact. It was here when we moved in and was full of useful treasure like bits of cut up hose-pipe, a rusty metal bin, a bag of 'stuff' I didn't have the nerve to look inside of, some paint tins from an unspecified year of the 1990s and 15,000 spiders. It looked like an easy ride when I first decided to take it down because anything can be deconstructed to its component parts with one big hammer, a flathead screwdriver and brute force, right? Once the spiders had scattered to the four corners of the earth and four large pieces of wood and a roof lay on the floor, I happened upon a chain of events that I hadn't even considered. 

What do you do with it then?

I slept on it overnight and after unsuccessfully trying to palm it off as a valuable commodity on some neighbours who still have coal fires, I went back to the toolbox and added a handsaw to the inventory. It is now time to reduce the 'big wood' to 'much smaller wood' with a view to it being easier to transport somewhere else. 

For those who might find themselves in such a predicament one day, here's how to do it:

1. Take the hammer and smash the hell out of your chosen object. Once you get started, it's quite therapeutic. Don't be disheartened by there being more wood now than there was before.

2. Using the saw, carve up anything too big to snap in half using any martial arts skills you may have accumulated over the years.

3. Make tea/coffee, stand back and admire the unholy mess you have made in the garden.

4. Repeat as necessary until you are the proud owner of something that looks like this:

Deciding what to do with your swag really opens up a multitude of choices for any free time you might have had in the coming days... three days later, I'm still chewing it over.

Sion Smith